An endless wait.

" The innocent crush of a time long past is like a smidgen of a spark lying in wait for a glimpse of the lover to act as the fuel and turn into the roaring flame called love, gently fanned along by the wind of shared ecstasy " - Sarat Chandra Gnanamgari

First day at school after the summer vacations and I was excitedly walking around catching up with so many, I wasn't able to find her so was very impatiently searching everywhere while the assembly was going on, I waited in the classroom, my lil heart so restless - one whole hour went by and then the next hoping for her to ask the teacher for permission to enter the classroom which didn't happen. During the recess I looked in all the other classroom, running here, there and everywhere, trying to make the most of those fifteen minutes - neither my eyes nor I were to settle down without a glimpse. i wanted to believe a school bus may be late. Soon it was lunch and still the teachers and friends weren't making any sense to me. it was like the sound, vision and the entire classroom seemed have been blurred and as if my eyes were a camera unable to focus on anything, anything at all. By the end of the day i was telling myself that not everybody comes to school the very first day. All of this continued with double the intensity the next day and the next and the next....

I fought with myself everytime i thought that - may be this was to happen. I just couldn't take it and I never did.I tried to remember her last glimpse but was very vague, but very strong memoirs.
I had saved the time spent with her as timestamps, and each connected to a color, smell, texture, basically everything seemed to be taking me back to her in school.
I tried misserably to stop believing that I'd ever see her again.
My eye camera just found the focus it had been looking for the past decade and again everything else seemed to blurr and amidst so much noise I could listen to the sound of her breathing and it was perfectly matching my heartbeat, then I saw in her eyes and I could hear the teachers speak ten years ago, my school had reopened. This moment didn't last very long (i wanted it too) because the next moment we were talking, actually she was talking and I, obscuredly blabbering. I felt like a compass at north-pole(ahh that feeling).
I resisted very hard not to come back to reality, because it was not how I had wanted it to be when i see her, but i had no choice and so, it still is an endless wait.








ps - Next time I'll fill in more details.

"I'm Feeling Lucky !!!"

It starts with that one look, something that can change perspectives without reasoning, and from there on everything is a catalyst(s). The sounds, the environment, the time, the costume, the movements, a gesture or no gesture, thoughts(actually blank at this moment:)) and all things add to something special, and by the time you realize what it is you are in the middle of a Want. Want to be able to see further, listen some more, feel the moment for a little longer, wanting to touch & being touched, to know and to Be. The want to be able to end the want(ness)(No, i'm not talking about wham-bham thank you...no). Some climb to great heights and some dive to greater depths, do things that can potentially set examples while some others consider (unknowingly) doing the bizzare.
I look back to what I've written and smile as it winks at back me.

Yahaan do baatein ho sakthi hai.

Pehla would be that all the senses including the sixth are mixed up, yea thats right all mixed. Here we are looking at the inexperienced ones or the first timers, who are not able to caress & fondle one sense at a time instead they'd enjoy the mixed feeling and wouldn't even want to go any further to try and distinguish. To them(to us, not very long ago) the gap between 'want' and need is filled with a shaken mixture of her, her touch, her smell, her body n how it looks, her voice and the best part - the kiss and the continuity. They continue to drink from the same cocktail for very long and some for not long enough (sad uh?).

Time goes by and thats not the only thing that goes by, a lot does. right? Here we've seen much, sadness and happiness, the good and the harsh realities of life and not very optimistic about the happennings. well, so we've grown. Keeping everything else aside I'd like to talk about my specific liking towards wiskey, beer at times but i sure wont mix both(unless very drunk ;)), I'm talking about specificity.

So, for us grownups (you know, with all the past experience) the gap inbetween is filled with very distinctive and labelled Senses, as in we know what is what and things we like are kinda clearer- controlled.
I hope we're all sub-consciously waiting for that First Look to happen again and to be able to Want for the second time. If you're thinking it doesn't happen again you may be wrong. IT HAPPENS. sometimes you don't even have to compromise with your likings(lol).
well we meet and this time theres lesser drag considering we're grownups. A few meetings, spending quality time together but taking a lot more time in naming the relationship because of the past experience(not considering whether good or bad ones). Now again we take pleasure in her, her touch, her smell, ... yea all that distinctively remembering her perfume(well even if its the most popular one, get it?). Life is super good with the concept of wooing her all the time, (men love this part, wooing in all possible ways)..... But if you wanted and could just seize the present read further or wait for later.
In the beginning of a relationship, whenever the first thought of kissing her crosses your mindjust tell her "Lets not kiss but hold on to this feeling", just say it. The urge will take you places and you may even start believing in love. Its a mutual feeling only greater.

Yahaan bhi do baatein ho sakthi hai

if you hang on to the feeling untill both have found new company - you've got a muse for life.
or
You'll end up in bed the same evening.

ps - i have a feeling i'll not be allowed to write, very soon.

From the shower.

Like in a dream, you're always in the middle of something, even thoughts seem to pop up in the most unexpected of times. I was in the middle of a steaming hot bath enjoying the shower and all of a sudden i thought of something and this time i made it a point to note it down immidiately(i'm keeping a note book to jot down ideas, i read this somewhere and its super helpful).
I kept thinking of how confused i am with everything around me and at this point i also thought about my love for acting and things were clear. I prolonged the bath as i stood there thinking further trying to connect my thoughts. I'm never able to decide on anything but while acting I simply seem to be enjoying every moment without any blurring(its like HD) the emotions also come out just right. All i need is to figure out some acting techniques which i hope i will soon learn because acting is something im not confused about.
Writing has also helped me figure out that i continue to do things i've loved with all my focus, and dedication and thats why all the rest seems confusing.
Oh btw you should take that prolonged hot water shower too its got wonderful effects.

eGO kill !

I find myself fascinating. Milan Kundera.

Been very busy lately, working for over fifty hours out of seventy two hours. tiring yet very smug. A lot of ego should've also been built up considering the amount of appreciation received throughout for the work and the show of dedication because as soon as the shoot was over, the appreciating part was also done with there was this very different feeling. well, after working for so long you'd sleep for as long as possible and thats what happened.
Must've slept for eighteen - twenty hours and when you get up your parents are worried about your breakfast, lunch and dinner but you are worried about something else. Something that started moments before sleeping, actually it started moments after the "pack up". This feeling numbered restlessness, want, disturbance and like always confusion. I kept thinking and without much ado "ego"the word striked me (somehow). I went reading about it.Yes the feeling was hunger for attention, and I didn't know what to do about it so I decided to go out and socialize, meet some friends to come back to reality. well it helped.
Success getting to your head is a very normal occurrence but being able to getting it out would take practice(otherwise a true genious), Its like going back to travelling by RTC busses after being used to driving your Dad's car. Its very difficult fall back this way. "fall back" its usually negated. Ego, as i realised is only what others think of you. you can only see the outside and when you look at yourself in the mirror which is also the outside and here also your reflection is just what you think of what others think of you(my acting guru once told me that the mirror lies, it made all the more sense to me now). And here when the regular dose of boosts (like it was all throughout the four days of shooting) suddenly stopped, the ego sensed something was not right and it made me feel so very left out.
If you keep this "sense" growing, the want of feeding your ego will grow and the more you feed the more hungry it gets, the hunger will grow so much that it will eventually kill you, and you will think (wrongly) that you died of starvation. lol.
example - First its a 'You', from which develops an 'I', you see a 'She' and turn to 'We' and then a new entry ' they' , hereon it depends if its gona be a 'Us' or what.
depends on whose feeding(ego) whom, and who is filling. Thats why people commit suicides when their spouses leave them because when suddenly their ego is stopped feedingthey are filled with the very leftout feeling, this feeling is so deep that the more they want to come out of it, the more it deepens, eventually dying of drowning. The one to suicide is the one filling one's ego, and the one that leaves is the one who always (untill then) believed that his/her partner was the only one, the one.
well, whatever the reason be, i really don't know how to conclude this but I only hope that I don't fall prey to this 'ego' ever.

while writing this I realised I was showing off that i worked very hard, and your compliments will only feed my ego. This doesn't bother me one bit 'cos I have family and friends to my full support.
Ps:- Thank you Von and Eddi, remember when I was back from Goa.